Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
Clive James
Don’t use humor as a weapon. Employ it as a defense.
@Kpaxs on Twitter
Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.
Stephen King, Bag of Bones
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”
Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously… I’m Kidding
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
Yogi Berra, When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball’s Greatest Heroes
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
Mark Twain
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
@stephenjmolloy on Twitter
As the adage said; falling never killed anybody; it was when you stopped
Iain M. Banks, The Player of Games
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K. Jerome
Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.
Mark Twain
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein
I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
Paul Terry
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
Charles Bukowski
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Terry Pratchett, Diggers
Reality continues to ruin my life.
Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Benjamin Franklin Wade
Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.
Markus Herz
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
Albert Einstein
Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Mark Twain
Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
C.E.M. Joad
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
Robert Benchley
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.
Isaac Asimov
Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.
Laurell K. Hamilton, Burnt Offerings
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